Mon, 23 Dec 2024
Here's an observation.
Within me—currently and historically—a yin-yang duality is at war. At present, there's an imbalance threatening the whole of the internal system. The force of this yang energy has long dominated the state of the war. But the yang has been thus far unable to eradicate the yin; the yang is also only able to act at all exclusively in reaction to the yin.
The yang here represents every horrific and awful story I've ever believed (and continue to believe) about myself.
The yin here represents the indefatigable, relentless hope of a kinder future that awaits just around the corner, no matter how many corners come and go with only further turns for the worse.
Every time the yin says, "Perhaps this is it! This could be our train approaching the station."
The yang says, "Absolutely not. Why are we even at this station? No train is coming for us."
"Maybe it'll be different this time?"
"When has it ever been different 'this time'?"
"It could happen."
"And yet it never does."
The yang brings value judgments, storytelling, narrative arcs, heroes, villains, and somehow also a profound lack of imagination.
The yin brings interesting questions, curiosity, probing empiricism, character agnosticism, and a charming idealism (bordering on naïveté).
I need both. I love both. Neither is better; neither is worse. The former keeps me grounded, keeps me humble, keeps me consistent. The latter keeps me dreaming, keeps me playful, keeps me going. I'm not looking to silence the yang; I'm not looking to inflate the yin.
But right now, the balance of power is askew, tilted. The yang is unwilling to share in governance, while also having no proactive sense of direction. The yin begs to steer, but the yang refuses to relinquish its grip, figuring that no direction on purpose is better than a bad direction on accident.
This has been my internal dynamic for close to three decades, really ever since I developed conscious awareness and theory of mind.
The winding path before me is long and arduous and I am unready for just how painful it is certain to be. It is also the only road now available to me, the only road that has any hope of leading away from disaster rather than towards. A new accord must be struck, a new balance of power reached, a new constitution ratified.
I aim to broker this new power sharing agreement.
And perhaps this is it! This could be our train approaching the station.
Maybe it'll be different this time.
It could happen.