It has been a week and a day since Election Day 2020. What a fucking roller coaster. Going in, the polls had Biden leading by a reassuringly significant degree, even in competitive states. The map for Dems to retake the Senate also looked incredible if you were to look at the polling. But on the day of, it became clear that the election was going to be way the fuck closer than the pollsters suggested.
I always knew it was going to be something of a nail biter. After 2016, it’s not like I've given polls any undue weight. I will give them even less weight now. 2016 was unexpected whiplash. 2020 has been expected whiplash that has no less shaken me down and sparked immense anxiety. Not only did Trump handily take a few states that were allegedly polling far closer, but we also lost badly in the Senate. Even Susan goddamn Collins blew out her opponent. She was supposed to be in a much more vulnerable position than was born out in the election results.
Additionally, I knew we weren't going to get a call on the night of the election. I had been bracing myself for that reality for a long time, but I was still utterly unprepared for how the stress and anxiety would get to me. I slept fewer than two hours that night and had to call in sick at work the next morning because I could barely keep my breathing below a panic attack.
As the rest of the week played out and we saw the Red Mirage give way to the Blue Shift—which was, again, totally expected—my anxiety began to ease. On Saturday, though, when the AP called the race for Biden, it slowly began to sink in that the collective nightmare we've all been having for four goddamn years might just be nearing a conclusion. At least, it might be nearing a conclusion of this chapter.
Throughout the day, I felt better and better, but it wasn't until the day following that it all really resonated with me emotionally. The relief was palpable. It's hard to describe, but I'll try.
Over the past four years, I've watched in horror as American society has imploded on itself, I've watched scandal and blatant corruption become normalized, I've watched the rule of law erode away until only a few shreds of what we used to call "checks and balances" remain. As facts lost meaning, as cognitive dissonance became the party line, as all decency and decorum vanished, I watched and couldn't believe how many people were completely fine with all of this—who relished it, even.
And during the month of October, the slow decay of my mental health worsened. I grew increasingly unable to work on any creative projects, work became tediously distasteful, and I lost any enjoyment in most things where I used to find solace or escape. With the change from October to November, depression shifted into anxiety, which spiked on 3 November and has been gradually easing since.
Oh, I'm still fucking terrified. I was bracing for literal civil war, and I still think that's a distinct possibility, but when violence didn't erupt on Election Day (or since) I felt tentatively hopeful. I believe there will be violence before the end, when all is said and done. I have never wanted to be wrong about anything more than I want to be wrong about that.
And now, I'm holding my breath, awaiting 20 January 2021. I won't be at ease until Biden has been sworn in and the era of Trump in the White House is finally fucking over. But it's not over yet, nor will it be over next year or the year after that. At least with the orange menace out of the White House, though, we can begin to reset, heal, and take our first shaky steps forward into what will hopefully be a better future.
And we know Trump won't go quietly. He's too much of a narcissist with a victim complex for that. And his personal lawyer, Bill Barr, has been laying the groundwork for all manner of shady shit. McConnell and the rest of the GOP is so far (predictably) throwing America under the bus in an effort to help their megalomaniacal Fuhrer evade the will of the American people, or at the very least, save face.
Honestly, I'm less afraid that they'll successfully pull off a coup and more concerned that they'll fan the flames of violence and enmity between the American public. Rather than the captain going down with the ship, I fear the GOP will attempt to bring the ship down with the captain. The will of the people has rejected their conman in chief, but this Republican administration and its backers have never cared about the will of the people.
Even amidst all this trepidation and fear, though, my hope has returned, albeit tenuously. In just the past three days, I have already written more words than I was able to write throughout the entire month of October. I'm sleeping better. I feel markedly less depressed. I am enjoying my runs again, like I used to in the before times. And I feel a general sort of optimism that maybe, just maybe, America is more resilient than I gave her credit for.
11/11/2020